Social Security Number

Hi Grammy,

I’s been falsely accused and may need bail money.  Mom came home from a business trip Tuesday and accused me of eating her paycheck.  I did NOT eat her paycheck.  First of all, that’s not possible… I doesn’t help open the mail anymore because it always landed me in timeout.  On top of that, I’m like 95% sure that Mom gets her check on the internet because that’s where we go to pay all our bills on Fridays… I hasn’t even thought about gnawing on her computer.

I did eat my bed this week though… and it’s possible a few toys met untimely deaths when my friend came over.  In my defense it was a new bed that Mom got to travel to horse shows and stuff.  We took it to San Antonio and watched Kidd and then it came to daycare with me Monday night… but it was light and it was full of padding and I lovvvvve padding.  She basically gave me the lollipop of puppy bedding.  I used to rip up the carpet in spite of the timeout time so I could eat the padding – what did Mom think was gonna happen to this bed???  But that’s still not her paycheck.  Plus, as far as I can tell, beds are free.  We got to the store and pick out a bed, tell the people we’re leaving with it, and then they register it to our house with Mom’s card, and we go home.  NONE of the internet bills we pay online are related to me.

Anyway, after the bed debacle, Mom started doin her taxies.  She’s REALLY miffed that she can’t claim me as a dependent and just keeps fussing about how I eat her paycheck.  According to her, I’s cost her thousands this year in “vet bills” and “dog food” and “daycare.”  First… let me be clear, if we pay to go to the vet we’re getting ripped off.  I should not have to pay for shots.  Second, they give US cookies, we do not give THEM Benjamin’s – me and Brother is VIPs at the vet’s office and they wouldn’t dare charge us.  Second, I’d be happy to eat human food with Mama but she insists on the crappy bagged stuff from PetCo, which we also DO NOT get billed for.  Seriously, I help with the bills every week and the electric company, utility people, and Visa people are NOT associated with ME.  On top of that… I cans shake!  IF daycare is secretly billing us, Mom can just take me and Brother on her trips and we can close more deals for her.  Not to mention that Big Brother is WAY more expensive than me and Brother… according those receipts (which I help pay) we get billed by the mile when he has to go someplace because he’s such a diva.

Since Mom was so frustrated with the IRS, I did some research.  First, just speaking logically, I should be a dependent.  Second, I think I might need to be a dependent so we can get a tax refund and I can be less fearful of getting sent back to the pound for chewing up my bed.  Seriously though, I gots insurance, I depend entirely on Mama, AND Mom tells everyone that me and Brother is her babies.  Google says the problem is that I don’t have a social security number… and I’m pretty sure mine is missing cause I was adopted.  I searched my adoption file, but it’s not there… I think maybe it’s because we dunno who my Dad was.  Maybe he kept it by accident when I went into the adoption program with Moka’s.  Google says that only American Citizens can has social security numbers… but I was born here so I qualify.  I was born at Arf House in Sherman, Texas to be precise – so I just gotta go ask about my social security card.  I bet it’s just missing and they can petition the Uncle Sam person for a new one.  Once I get that, I’ll be recognized as a citizen and I can be a dependent so Uncle Sam will give Mom a break.   The problem is that Sherman is far… like Oklahoma far.  I’m thinkin about asking Big Brother for a ride.  I’ll see him tomorrow and we’ll talk.  We could get there and back in a day and I bet I could get the Arf House people to let us rest if we needed to.

Ruv U,

Max

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Happy Valentine’s Day!

Grammy,

I hate Valentine’s Day.  I picked Mama at the adoption event 3 years ago… I did NOT pick Mama, Turd Fluff, Big Brother, and Mama’s Pet Human.  I signed up for a relationship with MAMA – that is all.  Yesterday morning, I was all excited to wake her up for Valentine’s snuggles – and I brought her ALL the best toys from the basket… but I only gots a few minutes of snuggles and NO playtime.  She said she had to work, but I know the truth.  I only gets 25% of Mama today because all her OTHER Valentine’s have to get love too.  Kidd wanted to ride, Max wanted to fetch, and the human wanted to Skype… I only wanted snuggles and I hardly got any love.

This stinks.  At first, I only had to share Mama with Kidd – and only on weekends.  But NOW they’re more competitive and we has to travel on the weekends with him and his stupid purebred friends.  PLUS I lose walks one whole night every week so Mama can get another day of riding in.  I mean, I guess I get to spend Saturdays running around at the barn… but that’s exhausting.

Then there’s Turd Fluff.  The stork brought him two years ago.  Stupid stork.  I was perfectly happy without the stork.  Baby Max is super shy, on the dumb side, and forever eating up Mama’s attention because he’s a big chicken with a knack for getting beat up by the girls at the park.  He can’t fetch, either.  I am forever cleaning up his messes… AND he stole my girlfriend.

And NOW there’s the human.  This one really kills me… he’s not furry, his kisses seem sloppy, and he takes her to INDOOR restaurants where they don’t allow puppies.  I don’t see the attraction.  Mama hates heels and almost every time they go out for dinner she has to wear heels and a dress – we all know she prefers her yoga gear and sneakers… plus Mama doesn’t even look like herself without a little dirt somewhere.

Anyway… Valentine’s Day depressed me.  I tried to buy flowers, but I didn’t has Greenies to spend – that’s your fault, by the way.  I donated them to your flight in for the Big D Horse Show.  I COULD have been Mama’s favorite Valentine if I could’ve gotten flowers.  BUT NO.  I was restricted to snuggles and toys on a work day.  I tried to fix it today though.  Me and Turd Fluff took Mama and Auntie Taz to Mutt’s last night and got them some wine.  Then this morning, we gots our Starbucks and went to the barn… I gave Kidd kisses to impress Mama and after she rode, we all went to Petco and then me and Turd Fluff took Mama for crab legs and oysters at her favorite restaurant!  I think Mama had a good time.  I hope she did because I did NOT get enough attention yesterday or today.

Ruv,

Unloved Oso

Romeo

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Stupid Human Tricks… Sochi 2014

Grammy,

I know we hasn’t written in awhile… and we’s sorry for that… but we WERE with you for a month.  Anyway, we need you to come visit ASAP.  Mom is leaving for a week.  She’s going to visit the pet human, then she’s got a conference in Phoenix, and after that she has a big meeting in Kansas.  I’m pretty upset because the Stupid Human Tricks are on TV.  I LOVE watching stupid human tricks and the only channel we get at the puppy hotel is Animal Planet – it’s not featuring the Stupid Human Tricks.

So far, I’s seen the luge (the human death torpedo), the biathlon (eskimo hunting), snow bumbs (the ACL demolition derby), downhill snowboarding (suicidal snow surfing), alpine skiing (the cliff dodging championship), and figure skating (dancing on ice).  It’s SO cool.  These humans come from allllllll over the world and try REALLY hard not to die while they launch themselves down manmade ice chutes, mountainsides, and indoor lakes.  It’s pretty impressive.

I’ve decided I want to meet some of the stupid human trainers.  I gots questions for them.  I mean, my tricks make sense.  I needs to know how to sit and stay so I doesn’t get hit by a car… and I has to know how to shake so I can help close Mom’s business deals… and the power snuggle is clutch because that’s what gets Mom goin in the morning.  But the human death torpedo?  Let’s be honest – what’s the point?  Eskimo hunting, makes sense… you gotta ski to catch a polar bear and it’s not like you can wrestle him to the dinner table.  I’ll even give you the ACL demolition derby because I can see Mom and her friends thinking it’s a good idea to do a back flip on a mountain side just to see if they can.  Figure skating looks like fun.  I’m pretty sure that’s just dancing for people who live where it’s cold… but at what point does a human think “let’s build a giant ice chute and launch ourselves down it on a sled and see who can go the fastest”?  It just doesn’t make sense.  I need to talk to these humans.  Maybe there’s money in it.

Anyway, we gots a ruff week coming up.  10 hours of play A DAY until Mom gets back from her business trip.  Do you know how stressful that is?  Auntie is gonna come get us and we’s gonna have a sleepover with her and Cousin KK so we get a break – but it’s just not enough.  Auntie can’t crash with us this weekend and that means NO Starbucks Puppycinos and no visit with BIG brother Kidd.  His show season is coming up and we’s his cheerin’ section.  I know he’s a punk and he’s a little snobby, but his friends are even MORE snobby and he needs all the cheerleaders he can get.  What are we gonna do?

On top of THAT, Mom is gonna be with the human on Valentine’s Day… but she’s OUR Valentine.  I mean, I know the human THINKS that he’s got her hooked, but me and Brother are the main men in Mama’s life.  Everyone knows it.  She doesn’t take HIM to the park for walks and picnics like she does us.  Me and Brother have a plan though.  When Mom gets home we’s gonna smother her with kisses and then we’re gonna take her to the park and have a big picnic.

Meanwhile, Mom is workin on my birthday plans.  I think it’s gonna have to be a little late because my best friend is gonna be out of town on my actual birthday.  But I’m for SURE gettin a big cake from the barkery and a party at Mutt’s for all my friends.  I cannot WAIT.  I asked for a new chuck-it.

Anyway, we miss you.  If you wanna come chill with us while Mom is out of town, we wouldn’t argue.  It would be more fun than the puppy hotel and we promise to walk you a few times a day!  We’s the best city-guides EVER – you can’t get lost with us!  It’s impossible… we know all the best dinner spots, too!

Ruv U,

Max

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Stupid Human

Grammy,

I’ve been sniffin around in Mama’s email and I gots awful news.  That stupid pet human is comin to visit on Friday.  I am NOT enthusiastic.  I was super excited because Mom put his work schedule into her calendar on Monday… he leaves Sunday for Turkey, then he goes to Korea and then Ireland.  Know what that was supposed to mean?  TWO WHOLE WEEKS TO MYSELF.  Two weeks of Skype-less nights and having mama alllllll to myself.  Know what’s happening instead?  Mom is cleaning all my fur off the sheets because he’s been upgraded to the bed and I’ve been downgraded to the couch for the weekend.  Can you guess who’s a cranky puppy?!  THIS GUY.

It’s all gonna be OK though.  See, he didn’t check Mom’s calendar before planning his surprise flight out to see us and, well, Mom can RUIN a surprise better than anyone I’ve ever met.  Mr. Dan lands at 11:00 Friday morning… Mom will be in Lafayette, Louisiana wining and dining a big prospective client.  We’s been working on the executive summary all week.  Turd Fluff is proofing it for the last time right now, actually.  We gotta run to Kinko’s later to get it all printed and bound.  Anyway, Mom’s flight doesn’t land until 8:00 Friday night and THAT means that he got suckered into picking me and Turd Fluff up from daycare on Friday.

So, a few things are gonna happen.  One, I’m gonna lay in the pool before he gets there so I’m good and stinky.  Two, I’m planning to stall at daycare so he gets a parking ticket on Mom’s car… I know she’s sending two leashes for us and asking them to help load us up so I can’t wrap him around the parking meter, but I can totally stall.  Once we get home, Turd Fluff is gonna be allllll excited to his buddy, so he’ll be worthless to me.  You know the Baby Max look… the one where he stares at you all “I love you” and goes crazy helicopter puppy with his tail… that’s what he’s gonna do so the human will play with him.  He just lovvvvves the human.  He does not get it.  I gots other plans though.  The human has allergies so I’m gonna turn on the “aggressive snuggler” option so he knows I’m a lap dog and is sufficiently sneezy when he leaves to pick Mom up… my GOD I hope he wears black so I can adequately fuzzify him, too.  He’s supposed to feed us before he goes to pick Mom up.  I can’t decide if I want to eat everything then pretend to be starved when Mom gets home or if I just want to initiate a hunger strike until she gets the picture.  Thoughts?

Turd Fluff doesn’t think the human is awful.  I know better.  He sent us antlers this week and enough Greenies to last a few months… but he doesn’t really love us.  He’s after Mama and he knows Mama loves us so he’s using us to impress her.  I will not have it.  It’s bad enough that he’s visiting regularly, sending presents, and stealing my snuggles… now he’s taking Mama out without us.  We’ve chaperoned most of their dates, but apparently that is ending.  They’re going to dinner on Friday then meeting Auntie Taz for drinks without us.  We can maybe go watch football with them on Saturday… but that’s a big maybe and depends on where they go after dinner.

OMG… great idea!  Mom plans to impress him with her impeccable culinary skills Saturday night.  Wonder how well that would work if I destroyed dinner?  I could easily go counter surfing and trash the kitchen so her hard work goes down the tubes and he remains unimpressed and has to take her out.  I think this plan is brilliant.  Although… that would be really mean to Mama.  She works hard.  Better idea.  I’ll just steal his food right off his plate!  Then he’ll think I’m a misfit and that Mama can’t control her animals and he’ll leave.  Yeah, I’ll go with that plan.  In the meantime, you gotta talk to Turd Fluff and explain to him that Mama is not allowed to date anyone seriously.  Maybe watch the Lion King with him and show him the part where Nala horns in on Simba’s relationship with Timon and Pumba?  He’s GOT to get it through his head that Mom + Human = Less Park and Cuddle Time.

Ruv,

Oso

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Brother…

Hi Grammy,

Listen, Brother is TOTALLY overreacting.  Mom’s pet human is kinda cool – he plays with us and snuggles… he just snuggles with Mom a little more.  That’s why Brother is upset.  When the human visits, Oso loses his spot on the couch.  On top of that, for some unknown reason Brother thinks he’s the kissing police and insists on nipping at the human’s butt every time he kisses Mom.  There’s going to come a time when the human farts and puts an end to that game.  I’m just waiting for it.  Don’t worry, I keep the camera handy when the human visits for this exact reason.  I want that moment on film.  Forever.  For blackmail.  Baaaahahahahaha.

The broader problem is that the human knows Brother doesn’t like him and harasses him about it for sport.  It’s POSSIBLE that the human gets a little irritated with Oso’s possessive antics and refers to him as a “big white rat.”  Oso knows.  He’s seen the emails and heard the phone calls.  How the human expects to make friends like that, I do not know.  I think he’s banking on the fact that Oso will cave after awhile because he makes Mom happy.  I’m not sure that’s a safe bet on his part, but I’m trying to help.  Let’s be honest – Brother is stubborn like Mom.  I’m the chill one of the family.

Anyway, don’t worry.  I’ll talk Brother off the ledge.  Don’t cancel the party.  He’s only bitter because he wants to chaperone Minnie-Mouse-Mama and that’s just not gonna happen.  I’m also gonna talk to the human about playing nicer with Oso.  Oso IS the puppy of the house and he takes it pretty seriously.  If he’ll just appease the possessive impulses, Oso will calm down and play nicely… I’m almost positive.

Ruv,

Max

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Happy Birthday Mom…

Grammy,

I’ve changed my mind.  There will be no birthday party.  No streamers.  No banners.  No hats.  NO FREAKING PARTY FOR MOM AT ALL.   I know it seems rash, but she deserves it.  She’s leaving us on her birthday.  Worst part?  It’s so she can go see that stupid stinky pet human she has that lives in California.  This is totally unacceptable.  I’ve been planning this for months.

It gets worse.  Not only is Mom leaving us at the Puppy Hotel for FIVE WHOLE DAYS and her birthday, but she ordered a Halloween costume today that is WAY too skimpy to be worn without a chaperone.  I do not approve of this trip.  First, the most time I ever spend at the Puppy Hotel is three days.  Second, I do not know where Mom got the idea that it’s OK for her to go places, do stuff, and see things without me – but it’s wrong and I have to correct it.  Third, I’m staying here when Mom and Turd Fluff leave to go back to Texas, I thought you should know.  I’m just going to protest until she throws the stupid human back.  I came first.  She loves me more.  She’ll totally break first.

No, never mind, I almost forgot.  According to GMail, the pet human is coming to Dallas in November.  JOY.  That is JUST what I wanted for Thanksgiving.  I’m going to tell him allllllll about what I’m thankful for.  In fact, I think I’ll tell him while I’m sitting on Mom’s lap and licking her face so he can’t kiss her.  Yes, I think that’s a great idea.  I’ll go home with Mom and Turd Fluff so I can guard Mama in November.

Ruv,

Oso

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We Ruv You

Hi Grams,

I love your house.  Will you keep us?  Seriously.  It’s awesome here… I gots squirrels to chase, birds to stalk, sticks to chew, and a huge deck to sunbathe on.  Oh!  And I almost forgot… you have REAL grass, not the plastic stuff like we have in the city.  Brother’s new grass stains are AWESOME and I particularly like playing with all the sticks from the big trees outside.  Mom was gone for two weeks and camping out here was WAY better than going to the Puppy Hotel in Dallas.  We may have had to drive 20 hours to stay, but it was TOTALLY worth it.  You’s the best babysitter EVER.

Anyway, I’s been thinking.  Mom has some stinky pet human in California and she works a lot across a bunch of states… so maybe you could move a little closer so you can babysit more?  I mean, she’s not usually gone more than a night or two every couple of weeks… but daycare is exhausting.  We have to play ALL day when we’re there.  At your house we can nap AND we can sleep in the human bed with you and Grampy, which is AWESOME.  Me and Brother would totally help with the move and I bet we could convince Mom to get us beds and bowls and stuff for your house.  Grampy can come too.  I love Grampy.  In fact, I think he’s my most favorite human.

In the meantime, we gots to get busy planning Mom’s birthday party.  She just got back and apparently stupid Brother got a bad report card since he ate your flowers that one night – I’ve been named as an accomplice even though I was TOTALLY down in the yard chasing sticks and cannot be blamed.  Regardless, we’re in a little trouble and I’d like to get out of the doghouse.  I was thinking we can get a cake for next week?  I like the peanut butter ones with the rice krispies in them… they sell them at the barkery and they have yogurt icing on them.  I think those are human friendly and Mom likes peanut butter.  We also need to get hats.  I think we should do balloons too, but Brother is scared of them so we can’t get too many.  Oh – and me and Brother need to borrow ties for the big dinner because we left ours at home since we didn’t wanna tip Mom off about our party.  Grampy has some we can wear 🙂

Now that Mom’s back, we can start planning.  Since me and Brother can’t go shopping, we’ll distract her at night and you can go to the store for stuff for us.  OK?  I think Wal-Mart will have everything we need… but you may have to go to Party City for some stuff, and the Barkery.

Ruv,

Max

 

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The Granimals Is Coming!

Hi Grammy,

THE GRANIMALS IS COMIN!  Want us to send Kidd out ahead of us so you can ride through the streets and announce it to the neighbors?  Kidd is TOTALLY free this weekend since we’ll be driving out and he’s happy to do it.  Gah.  20 hours.  In the car.  With Mom and Turd Fluff.  Could you overnight ear plugs an sedatives?  They’re gonna sing until we hit Mississippi at least and it’s truly awful.

Anyway, we’re gonna come stay with you for a whole month!  Mom has a bunch of work stuff to do and she’s going to see her new pet human in California, so we’re gonna crash with you for two weeks before Mom gets back from her long trip.  Don’t worry – I promise that we’ll walk you every night and we’ll hang out on the deck anytime you want!  We’re good drinking buddies and if you wanna have a cookout then we can shake hands with all the guests.  Speaking of cookouts… could you maybe ask Grampy to put up a gate for us on the deck?  Turd Fluff is a stick collector and without the gate, you’ll end up with a deck full of stick crumbs.  No one wants that.  Sometimes he smuggles them into the house and Mom gets splinters… it seems painful.

After Mom gets back from all her trips, we’re all gonna stay with you so we can celebrate her birthday!  I think she’d like some new yoga gear and she needs some new luggage – Clifford the Big Red Bag has seen better days.  We can maybe go shoppin before she gets back from her trip?  We’s been saving our treats to trade for cash and Kidd is sending some funds too – he wants to go in with us for a present.  Let him get her the yoga towel.  We’ll impress her with new luggage for work.  Oh… or Kidd could maybe get her a luggage tag?  A snazzy Vera Bradley one?  Mom loves pink – he can get her a pink tag so her new bag is easy to spot on the luggage thingee at the airport.  We’ll also need to get a cake for her… and some hats… and maybe some streamers and banners and stuff….  Bottom line: Mom throws us awesome pawties every year and we need to throw a good one for her, too!

Auntie Amanda and Auntie Roomie are takin her to a football game in October.  And then Auntie Roomie is riding back home to Texas with us… but not until sometime in mid-October.  Mom said she was gonna pack as much business travel in as she could so we could crash with you guys instead of the Puppy Hotel.  I like that idea.  I’ve never been left out of a vacation before and the fact that Mom is taking an entire weekend to go visit some stinky pet boy really bothers me.  I don’t think we should keep him if we don’t get to go to the beach too.  BUT… being bribed with a month at your house is helping his case.  Mom goes to the beach and we spend a week hunting deer, birds, and squirrels in the big park you suburbanites refer to as “yards.”  I’ll take it.  I don’t like to swim anyway.

Ruv,

Oso

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Mom for President

Grammy,

Has you seen the new “First Dog”?!  She’s not that fantabulous and I’m REALLY annoyed that she’s all over the news.  If any fuzzies should be famous, it should be the ones who can blog.  Also, it’s really lame that everyone knows her “breed.”

Anyway, I wants to be famous like Sunny, so I did some research.  Know what I found?  Bo had a super lame Christmas special in which he did NO tricks and people filmed him prowling around his big white house.  A few weeks ago Bo hitched a ride on Marine One to go on vacation.  Now, Bo has a new sister, Sunny, who’s equally famous and will likely receive as much media attention as Bo, if not more.  According to Google, Bo & Sunny only get attention like this because they live in that big white house.  Conclusion: I need to move into the big white house.

More research showed that Mom needed to be President in order for us to move into the big white house – that would be overwhelming, but according to the dusty diploma I found under the bed, Mom actually has a degree in politics.  Now, in order to move into the big white house while I’m still young and spry, all I have to do is groom her for the office.

Mom is pretty and smart – and based on my research, she only needs to be pretty.  I figure we’ll start small… maybe just take over Texas.  I thinks we should run for governor.  Additional research shows that Rick Perry’s win was aided by some political ads in which he wore chaps.  Mom has chaps AND she’ll look WAY better in them than Perry did.  Seriously, can you imagine what kind of damage I can do if I put Mom in something skimpy and take pictures while I’m walking her?!  Two big, handsome dogs… a horse… a pretty face… no one will care that she’s a young banking consultant.  PLUS… I’ll get to go on a tour of Texas!  I bet I make the news!

Turd Fluff is not on board with my plan.  He says it’s scary, but has tentatively agreed to guard the tour bus.  That’s even better!  I’ll get the spokes-puppy title all to myself and he’ll run Mom’s ratings up because when he gets scared she carries him like a baby and he hangs on for dear life.  It’s really pathetic and lame, but humans think it’s SOOOOOO cute.  It’ll help us in the polls.  I gots to go put posters together… but brace yourself, we’re getting a YouTube special like Sunny.

Ruv,

Oso

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Happy Birthday Oso!

Grammy,

Mom TOTALLY fooled me this year.  I turned 3 on Friday and she didn’t even give me an extra treat… I was very sad.  Then yesterday she totally ditched me and Turd Fluff and spent the day at the spa and the mall – neither of which are fuzzy friendly destinations.  We had to stay home alone all day and be lonely.  I knew Mom forgot my birthday and I was REALLY worried about how to tell her.  I know how much she loves me, but my birthday was a big deal and I was really sad about it.  I was working up the nerve to talk to her this morning when we went on a trip.

First, we went to the Barkery and got a cake – and I picked out some toys.  I was pretty pleased with my haul… but then we went to Mutts and ALL of my friends were there.  It was so awesome!  Mom even held off on balloons because she knows how much they scare me.  Delilah came, Mike brought Lilly, and Brooklyn was there celebrating her birthday TOO.  Mom’s pilot friend even came!  I couldn’t believe he flew all the way to Dallas for my birthday, but he said he’d never been to a puppy party before and wanted to see if it was as awesome as he’d heard.  Fortunately for him, it was the best birthday party I’ve ever had… and that is a pretty high bar.

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Check out my awesome cake!  It was peanut butter… and since I can’t have chocolate, the icing is yogurt.  It’s a solid doggie delicacy.  Delilah was TOTALLY impressed with my party.  Turd Fluff might have webbed paws, but I’m pretty popular and everyone loves me – that’s important to a girl.  AND since there wasn’t any water to play in, Delilah was ALL mine today.  She even gave me kisses in front of all our friends – I am on top of the world!

Ruv,

Oso

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